I Once Thought I was Pregnant

Most children are gullible. I, on the other hand, was a completely different breed of gullible. I would do anything if you could convince me it was the right thing to do. And trust me, that was not hard. I once ate tin foil because my cousin convinced me that my parents weren’t going to feed me anymore. But that was a meek experience in comparison to some of the other things I believed, so I’ve decided to list a few of them. Embarassing? Yes. Hilarious? Most definitely yes.

Enjoy at my expense.

Pull My Finger

So my father did this thing, as I’m sure most dads do, where he would say “pull my finger”. I would pull, he would fart, we would laugh, bonding moment ensues. But it didn’t just stop there. For the first 6 or 7 years of my existence, I honestly believed that my dad couldn’t pass wind unless I or someone else pulled his finger. Poor guy.

And believe you me, when I found out I could fart without someone pulling my finger, I thought I was the raddest kid around.

I can fart all on my own. Get at me.

I can fart all on my own. Get at me.

You Live Here?

Move aside teachers, I know you don’t live at school. I had a teacher who lived on my street and my mom was best friends with another, so I learned pretty quickly that they didn’t sleep on the desks of our classroom.

But my swimming instructor? He definitely lived in the recreation center. It all started when I asked my level 3 instructor where he lived, and he looked at me right in the eyes and pointed to the supply closet. And as a 5 year old, I believed him. Boy was I surprised when I went to work at that same recreation center ten years later.

Santa Doesn’t Exist… And Neither do Reindeer.

I believed in Santa Claus. I’m not ashamed to admit that. So did you, don’t lie. It was a thing. All the cool kids were doing it. It was the most magical experience of my life.

And then around the double-digits, my parents decided to stop tricking me and helped me avoid the social suicide of being an 11 year old who still believed and militantly fought the opposition (you’re referring to me? No, I didn’t do that).

In any case, such a stunt confused me. Once I sorted out that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy didn’t exist, I accidentally grouped another childhood fairy tale creature into that pile.

Reindeer. I believed reindeer didn’t exist. I’ll never forget the day someone mentioned them and I turned around like the smarty-pants I was and exclaimed “Reindeer? Are you stupid? Reindeer don’t exist!”

But they do. For the record, they really do.

I was almost seventeen years old.

You don't exist. Sorry, bro.

You don’t exist. Sorry, bro.

The Birds and the Bees

This is perhaps the most embarrassing. I know the reindeer one is ridiculous, but this tops that.

As children, we’re keen to wonder. What is that over there? How does that work? How are babies born? Well, that last one I figured out all on my own. Mom and Dad got into a room, got naked, and just looked at each other. Perhaps they sat in chairs and just stared, I don’t know. Either way, BANG! children. Simple as that.

And then one day, I saw a gentleman naked in a change room at the pool where I took lessons. Let me tell you, it was the most traumatic experience of my young life. Not only had I seen perhaps the most scarring image a 7 year old could see, but now I was pregnant!

What was my mom going to think?

giphy

Luckily I never told anyone about this last one, but I guess I’m telling all you now.

Got any ridiculous things you once believed?

Advertisements

4 responses to “I Once Thought I was Pregnant

  1. I believed the old tale that if you stepped on a crack (on the sidewalk) you would break your mother’s back. I was mortified at the very thought that I could do something that would cause this kind of damage to my beloved mother. I think somewhere in the deepest corner of my mind, I still avoid stepping on the cracks.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What do you mean, Santa’s not real?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good blog post. I certainly appreciate this site.
    Stick with it!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s